June 6, 2011

She was lying backwards on her bed, so that she might receive maximum benefits from the half functioning fan on her ceiling. As she lay with the pillow at her feet and velvet blanket under her arms, she thought, for a while. Thought about what this was, what it should be. 


Over the years, the teasing from friends had been on and off, but more or less there. Present, like the weird beeping noise you hear when the plane first lifts off and your ears pop. Not painful, or annoying - at least not to her - but rather just another thing to deal with. Everyday she'd deal with people asking her if they were dating or teasing her about how "meant for each other" they were. In through one ear, out through the other. Mindless.

In reality, though, it wasn't as though the thought didn't cross her mind. The what if's used to plague her brain, infiltrating the corners and slipping in through the cracks. Infinite. Cycling over and over again. But did she like him or not? Or did she just want him to like her...


She was getting confused. Her head hurt.

She missed him, certainly, when he wasn't around. Too often, she felt a small tug of sadness if he wasn't right there with her, talking to her.

It wasn't a crush, or interest--at least not in that sense of the word--

it was an affection that reached beyond romance, and yet not nearly as serious; a strange sense of attachment, a certain fondness...and yet she couldn't place her finger on the reason why. It wasn't as though he treated her all that well. A gentleman, sure. Always decent, always composed, fine. But nothing out of the ordinary...nothing that made her feel exhilarated or special or perfect...

Maybe that newness just never fades. He was her first close guy friend, after all, even before this boyfriend label. But this boyfriend label was stupid. It made her want to expect more and mean more and BE more, to him. And for him to act up to a certain standard. This may or may not be fair, she mused, since he just wasn't the type. But he did ask her out; not the other way around...shouldn't he have had SOME indication of the expectations that came with it? 


It's like Jafar in Aladdin. She laughed at the digression of her thoughts. He got the power and control that came with being an "all powerful genie" (no brainer there), but also everything that went with it. "Itty bitty living space". Maybe...in some weird, twisted way...this was the same. Maybe he just wanted to say he had a girlfriend. Maybe he thought this would just sorta happen, without having to DO anything or work at it. But relationships aren't without their "itty bitty living spaces" she supposed. If anything, they had more of them. More little places to fit expectations and let downs and emptiness.

Emptiness because she knew it wasn't going to work, but didn't want it to end. Emptiness because she wanted to feel important for once in her life, but she knew she never would be. Not in the way she wanted. Emptiness because she wanted him to kiss her, but she knew, even if he asked, she would say no.